New Bedford – For the second time, a hairdresser was attacked by a flock of owls, while smoking in her backyard.
Paramedics were called to the scene when a neighbor reported screeching and flapping noises coming from behind the house. “They were swooping down and trying to grasp at something in her hands,” the neighbor said, “then they would swoop away and circle around again.”
The victim’s left hand was scratched and bloody from using it as a shield to guard her right hand, in which she was desperately holding on to a half-smoked cigarette. “I’ll die puffing before I’ll give up my cigarettes to those Nazi Socialist Liberal Anti-Choice Baptist Owls” she said while waving her cast-encased left arm.
A spokes-owl for the flock claims they have no political or religious affliations. “We’re just simple owls,” he hooted, “and we like other owls. It was a rescue mission.”
Apparently, the victim was standing in front of a window decorated with stick-on gel owls.
“We thought she was holding our fellow owls captive and torturing them with her lit cigarettes and second hand smoke. We had an obligation to try to set them free,” the spokes-owl said, “this is not a terror-owl-ist attack.”
The victim countered that she was not torturing the cute owls, but that they were torturing her. “They sit there and look at me with their wide eyes and keep asking me who am I. Who, Who, Who, over and over. I thought I was stuck in an Abbott and Costello skit.”
The police gathered evidence from the scene which they say indicates that the owls were indeed stuck to the window of the rear door. “That is just not natural, for an owl.” said Detective Betty Catinski, “it sure looks like torture.” The district attorney is considering owlnapping charges.
The victim is recovering quietly at home.